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| Ghost Shit: The kind where you feel the Shit come out, but there is no Shit in the toilet. Clean-Get-Away Shit: The kind where you Shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. Wet Shit: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain. Second Wave Shit: This happens when you're done Shiting and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Shit some more. Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Brain-Hemmorage-Shit: The kind where you strain so much to get it out,you practically have a stroke. Gassy Shit: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing. Drinker Shit: The kind of Shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. Lincoln Log Shit: The kind of Shit that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. Corn Shit: Self-explanatory. Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Shit Shit: The kind where you want to Shit but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times. Spinal Tap Shit: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways. Wet Cheeks Shit: The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water. Liquid Shit: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl. Mexican Shit: It smells so bad your nose burns. The Surprise Shit: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops ... a shit!!! The Dangling Shit: This Shit refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Shiting it. You just pray that a shake or two will break it loose. Crowd Pleaser Shit: This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. Mood Enhancer Shit: This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. Ritual Shit: This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper or other reading materials. THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT: A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT: This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT: This is any shit created in the presence of another person. THE GROANER: A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance. THE FLOATER: Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE RANGER: A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper. THE PHANTOM SHIT: This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there. THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT: Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. THE BOMBSHELL: A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities. THE SNAKE CHARMER: A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. THE OLYMPIC SHIT: This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit. THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT: This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car. THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT: An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit. PREMEDITATED SHIT: Laxative induced. Doesn't count. SHITZOPHERENIA: Fear of shitting - can be fatal! ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT: Also known as a "Still Going" shit. THE POWER DUMP SHIT: The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done. THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT: This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.) THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT: Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spincal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards. THE PORRIDGE SHIT: The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT: When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning. THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT: When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT: Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air. |
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