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| If you're easily offended (I mean VERY easily), don't read this. ********************* WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE... By Matt Groening (Creator of The Simpsons and Life in Hell) Deep Thoughts about Gender Differences SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. COMEDY: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back. NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. JEWELRY:Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "that was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?" RESTROOMS Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me? |
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