Title	Language	Date	Type	Topic
Make the woman happy	English	1998-10-14	Manuals, explanations and definitions	Sex and sexist

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: "Make the woman happy."
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played!
Life is so unfair...

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her Spring Fresh Extra Light Panty Liners with Wings (+5)
...you return with beer (-5)
You check out suspicious noise at night (0)
...and it is nothing (0)
....and it is something (+5)
.....you hammer it with a baseball bat (+10) ......and it is her father (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy (-2)
...named Tiffany (-4)
....Tiffany is a dancer (-8)
.....Tiffany has implants (-16)
When mingling, you hold your her hand and gaze at her lovingly
(+1)

When mingling, you introduce her as "the old ball and chain" and pat her on the rump (-5)
When she points toward a good-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive,
...you say "yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1)
....you say "yeah, but she is lousy in bed." (-6)
.....that woman is her sister (-90)
You have one drink and that's it (0)
You have more than a few drinks and tango with a poodle (-2)
You drink a lot, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)

SATURDAY AFTERNOON:

You go to the mall together (+3)
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
You spend a day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
You spend a day shopping for furniture and nap on a sectional (0)
You spend the day at a wholesale club buying in bulk (+3)
...most of it chips and beer (-6)
You tackle a large household project
...such as painting the den (+15)
....or refinishing the floors (+16)
.....or rewiring the basement (+17)
......or adding a second floor (+18)
.......or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket
(-6)
........and you are tickled pink about it (-15)
You visit her parents (0)
You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3) You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the TV (-3)
...and the TV is off (-6)
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)

...and you didn't even go to college (-10) ....and it is not your underwear(-15)

HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it is not a sports bar (+1)
...okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
....and it's "all you can eat"night (-3)
.....and your face is painted the colors of your team (-10)
You go to a nice pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player, and get up and sing (+4)
...if you stink (+2)
....if you are not half bad (+5)
.....if you sing a Barry Manilow song and are escorted out to much applause (-2)
You give her a gift (0)
...it is a small appliance (-10)
....it is not a small appliance(+1)
.....it is not chocolate (+2)
......it is something you will be paying off for months(+30)
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day(-10)
...with her credit card (-30)
....and it is two sizes too big (-40)

THOUGHTFULNESS:

You forget her birthday completely (-120) You forget your anniversary (-30)
You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-45)
...which is in Newark, New Jersey(-50)
....and the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast (-60)

NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go out with a pal (-5)
...and the pal is happily married (-4) ....and the pal is frighteningly single (-7) .....and he drives a Mustang (-10)
......with a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)
You have a few beers (-9)
...and miss curfew by an hour(-12)
....and you didn't call (-20)
You get home at 3 am (-30)
...smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-40) ....and not wearing any pants(-50)
.....is that a tattoo?! (-200)

HER NIGHT OUT:

You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friends from work (+5)
She goes out with her annoying friends from work and she comes home late (+10)
...you wait up (+15)
She comes home late and drunk and you put her to bed (+20)

A NIGHT OUT TOGETHER:

You take her to a movie (-1)
...a movie she likes (0)
....a movie you hate (+6)
.....a movie you like (-6)
......called "Deathcop 3" (-10)
.......which features cyborgs having sex (-20)
.........you lied and said it was a foreign romantic film(-30)

A NIGHT AT HOME:

You watch TV together (0)
You rent a movie (+2)
...it is "Sense and Sensibility"(+3) ....you stay awake throughout (+5)
.....you fall asleep (-1)
......you fall asleep and drool (-2)

FLOWERS:

You buy her flowers only when it is expected (0)
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)
You give her wildflowers you have actually picked yourself (+30)
...and she contracts Lyme disease(-25)

YOUR BODY:

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
...and exercise to get rid of it(+10)
....and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)

FINANCES:

You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)
...something she could not use(-10)
....such as a motorized model airplane (-20)
.....and she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)

DRIVING:

You lost the directions on a trip (-4)
...and end up getting lost (-10)
....in a bad part of town (-15)
.....and meet the locals up-close and personal (-25) ......and you know them (-60)

THE BIG QUESTION:

She asks, "Do I look Fat?" (-5) (sensitivity questions always start with a deficit)
...you hesitate in responding(-10)
....you reply, "Where?" (-35)

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen for over 30 minutes (+5)
...without looking at the TV (+10)
....she realized this is because you have fallen asleep(-20)