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| THINGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IN SURGERY 1.) Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2.) Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop 3.) 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness' 4.) Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! 5.) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 6.) Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie 7.) Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. 8.) Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before? 9.) Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 10.) Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off 11.) What's this doing here? 12.) I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. 13.) That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?! 14.) I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. 15.) Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. 16.) Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right? 17.) Anyone see where I left that scalpel? 18.) Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. 19.) Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. 20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? 21.) Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? 22.) Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. 23.) What do you mean 'You want a divorce'! 24.) She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! 25.) FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out! 26.) 'Psss! Com'on and watch. Pooh's going to goose the surgeon!' 27.) 'And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient...' 28.) 'Your name is Rainy what and you want to do what to the patient????' 29.) 'Hello, I'm Dr. Squiffy.....' The following are from actual medical transcripts dictated by doctors. 1. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it had completely disappeared. 2. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 3. She was divorced last April. No other serious illness. 4. I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious. 5. Patient was released to the outpatient department without dressing. 6. Dr. Blank is watching his prostate. The patient was advised not to go around exposing himself to other people. 7. Patient developed a puffy right eye, which was felt to be caused by an insect bite by an opthamologist. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no history of suicides. 10. Apparently the mother resented the fact that she was born in her forties. 11. He had a left toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left leg amputation a year ago. |
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